Story revised again after feedback from Derek

Feedback from Derek:

The whats must be more organic and intrinsic in the story.

Use different whats. At the moment every ‘what’ we use seems to portray an element of surprise. We need to use whats that have more meaning/context and allow them to portray different expressions (teenage grumpiness, intimidation, happiness etc..)

The whats could reflect an element of his personality/age. Is he an ambitious go-getter – or letting the world pass him by?.....

What we are thinking:

1. Keep original story but adjust the situations to allow for other kinds of whats. (ie. Replace teenager surprising bar drinkers by stealing there drink with a teenager being grumpy and shouting ‘wot’ at someone.)

2. A new idea that Sam, Ryan and I came up with earlier taking a single night out situation with Dave:

Dave Leaves house
Mothers Arms Crossed
Dave gestures ‘Wot??’

Follows girl by the hand playfully
Sees lesbians kissing. Dave stops.
Gets slapped by girlfriend.
Dave : ‘What?!!” (cheeky)
They go into bar/club.

Stopped at door by bouncer
Gives up ID Bouncer gives Dave a suspicious look.
Dave is worried/nervous “what…?”
Bouncer lets Dave in.

Goes to buy drinks
Bar man gestures to selection of drinks “what”
Looks over – sees girlfriend being kissed on the cheek
Storms over Angrily looking at boy whose just kissed girlfriend

The guy goes what?
Dave punches him.
Hospital. Dave in bandages.
Painfully ‘whhaaattttt’

We must also somehow portray to the audience that the guy that kissed Daves girlfriend is the girlfriends cousin.

At the moment we are going with the 1st idea/original story, which we will have to make adjustments too. We will see what happens tomorrow after pitching (or before...)