story revision of 2nd idea.

Hi everyone, I have spent a couple of hours revising the 2nd idea. Let me know what you think:

Int: House

Dave gets ready and leaves house.

Mother standing in the doorway arms crossed.

Dave gestures 'wot!?'

Ext: Outside House 

Dave walks down the road.

He pulls out engagement ring box from inside his pocket. 

Smiles and puts it back again.

Ext: In town, night

Meets Katie and is all over her. 

They walk together. 

Daves arm is round Katie.

They walk past 2 gay builders

Katie wolf whistles. 

Dave Frowns at Katie. She goes "What?!!' (flirtacious and teasing)

They go to the club.

Stopped on the door by bouncer.

Dave gives him ID.

Bouncer gives Dave a suspicious look.

Dave is worried/nervous "what..?"

Bouncer lets Dave in.

Int: Busy Club Scene

Dave goes to buy drinks

Bar man gestures to a selection of drinks 

Daves turns and sees Katie getting off with another guy (Henson.)

Storms over angrily looking at Henson.

The Henson guy smiles cockily "What..?!"

Dave punches him.

Int: Hospital. Day

Daves in bandages, Mother shaking head next to him.

Dave wakes up. Looking at his hands "whaa..att.." (what happened) 

Looks to the side and sees that the ring has gone out of the box with the word WTF!?!

scrawled on a note inside the box.

Ext: Wedding. Day

We see ring as its put on Katies finger by Henson. And the married couple Kiss.

 

Int: Hospital. Day

The scene transits to a newspaper image handed to Dave by his Mother.

Dave goes WHAAAAATTTTTTT!??????